This is my city.

I. Intro

II. I Remember 

III. Graduation

IV. Home

V. THIS IS MY CITY  

I. Intro

Hidden on the west side of Los Angeles is Marine Park, a quiet oasis from the bustle of the city. And, as we discovered some years back, a haven for regular people wanting to play the game of basketball—glass backboards, adequate court traction, and single rims friendly to the shooter's touch. To the west is a baseball and soccer field, and to the south is a sizable walking trail lined with tall trees and grass in abundance. It's often occupied by families with small children, walking their dogs, enjoying the impeccable weather. To the north is a community building, which in the evenings serves as a meeting venue for support groups of all kinds.

Finally, in the center, are the basketball courts, lined with small bleachers on either side. It's two full, open-aired courts which lie about 4 feet below the rest of the park in elevation, therefore obscuring its view from the street. While attending SMC, I'd driven past this park hundreds of times without ever knowing of its existence.

I remember the day we first discovered the park in June of 2017. I'd been scouring the vast and diverse topography of Los Angeles via Google Maps in an almost-desperate attempt to find a halfway decent park to ball at. Finally, I found one—Marine Park, Santa Monica. And ample parking??And it has LIGHTS till 11 PM?? I had found heaven on Earth. I immediately alerted My Dude to my discovery and we headed over one day after work to see if it was too good to be true.

It wasn't. We arrived, and there was not a soul in sight. 2 full, illuminated courts. A safe, quiet neighborhood. On that night we declared it the new, Official Home Court of the G-Squad.

I was fresh off my first year at UCLA, slowly building momentum into my senior year and finally becoming comfortable there. I was excited for the future, yet still a bit nervous.

"This is gonna be a big year for you My Dude," My Dude said to me one night as we put some shots up after work. It was 9:30 at night.

"I know," I replied anxiously, putting up a 24-footer from the left wing. It rattled in and out.

_______

On July 14th, 2018, I sat on the bench of that very same park, waiting for my friends to arrive. I thought about just how much had happened in the past year. So much so that it would take another 300 page book just to get through it all.

But I also thought about all the ways in which I'd changed: some for the better, and some that I'm not proud of. But it's all part of growing up I think, and becoming an adult in this world involves a lot of trial, error, and experience.

The anticipation of the writing of this post has been building within me for many months now. I just didn't know what I was gonna say in it. My mind has been all over the place since graduation, and the handful of times I've been present I've been sieged by thoughts pertaining to my future. To this point I've pushed them away, desperate to enjoy the moment and live in the present. I just needed a break for a while.

II. I Remember 

I've wanted to go to UCLA since I was a kid. It's my dream school.

I remember watching men's basketball with my dad many years ago, seeing the likes of Darren Collison, Aaron Afflalo, Kevin Love, and Russell Westbrook make deep runs into the NCAA Tournament.

I knew the legend of John Wooden, the greatest coach in the history of basketball, and arguably all of sports.

I knew the winning tradition of UCLA athletics. 116 Natty's (trailing only Stanford for most Division I titles). And still counting.

I knew the prestige. UCLA isn't just about sports. It's about every academic field of study. With a 17.3% acceptance rate (as of 2016), it's extremely competitive and academically rigorous. Thousands of kids who work a lot harder than me get turned down every year.

So did I, growing up in a small town in Arizona, think I would end up at the University of California, Los Angeles? Honestly, the answer is no.

I remember senior year of high school. I remember all my friends going off to ASU, U of A, NAU, or GCU. I remember wanting to go with them. I have a hard enough time making friends as it is. Would I really want to leave it all behind and start over again? My family's here. Why should I have to leave them?

I remember when I first moved back to LA in the summer of 2013. I didn't think I'd last very long.

The commute from home in Van Nuys to Santa Monica College was brutal. This was something neither myself or my mom foresaw. I'd spend the entire hour and a half drive there telling myself to fight through it. I'd spend the entire hour and a half drive back wondering if I'd made the right choice.

I remember the loneliness. I'd go to school and barely say a word. The only part of my day I'd look forward to is English class, where I studied under the great Dr. John Andrew Frederick, who engaged me and the entire class. He was witty and hilarious, yet kicked our asses when it came to our writing. He graded our papers to the same standards he held his students when he taught at the University of California, and USC, among others. Because of that he helped take my writing to the next level.

I remember that October, when I first started working at Costco. I didn't think I'd last very long there either. I'd never had a job before, and suddenly I was thrown into the busiest and highest-grossing Costco warehouse in the continental United States. I was a scrawny, scared kid compared to all these adults I had to work with.

I remember the phone calls to both my parents, expressing my doubts about this path I chose.

I remember my first semester at SMC; I got a C in a religion class, a class I should of easily gotten an A in. But I was just so stressed out I bombed the final. The first (and only) time that had happened to me. I was stressed. I was homesick. I was so upset with myself. I thought that had ruined my UCLA hopes and dreams. I kept beating myself up over it.

I remember when I found out that I had to spend three years in community college instead of two. I was so devastated I wanted to cry. All my friends would graduate a year before me, and here I would be, off in LA thinking I was better off but instead falling behind. I beat myself up over that too.

Then in spring of 2014, I took two of the most important classes of my college career. In Anthro 1: Biological Anthropology, Professor John Denman made me fall in love with Anthro (I took him again that summer for Anthro 2: Cultural Anthropology). That same semester I took an honors course—Advanced Music Theory with Professor Zussman. It was in that class that I discovered that I had a natural inclination toward the nuances of music theory, despite having no prior study. We covered so much in so little time. In was in that class that I began my journey as a songwriter and legitimate musician.

I remember my last class at SMC. Terry Carter's Guitar Level III. He helped me dive deeper into guitar theory and discover that I had a knack for performing. He noticed my singing voice during class one day and immediately assigned me to sing lead vocals on Hotel California for our final concert that we would perform in public. I kept writing songs. That summer I released my first album.

I remember when I found out that I'd been accepted to UCLA. I was at work when the email came, and I was too nervous to open it and check the portal for the admission decision.

I was working with My Dude and Ana that day. I told them that I didn't think I got in.

"Just open it," My Dude said, seeing how nervous I was. "If you got in, cool. But if you didn't... you'll bounce back."

"Go to your car and open it," Ana told me. "We'll cover for you!"

That's exactly what I did. The rest is history.

And then in the blink of an eye, I was graduating.

_________

III. Graduation 

June 15th, 2018

1:45 PM

This moment was five years in the making.

And for once in my life I felt relieved.

The general commencement was held in the legendary and historic Pauley Pavilion, where I'd spent much of the last two years in the student section with my friends watching a great majority of the basketball games. So many memories were made in here and now I was back for one last time.

It all passed by in a blur. The graduates all met and lined up at the tennis courts, where I met with Sean Silverstein and Trey Young, among a vast cast of characters whom I met for the first time that afternoon. In the sweltering heat we made our way down the steps and into the lower level, where the procession would take us through the side exit of the Mo Ostin Basketball Center and in through the student-athlete entrance of Pauley Pavilion.

As we went through the tunnel and the darkness came over us, the graduates started to cheer, and that's when it hit me.This is really happening. 

The crowd exits the tennis courts to the south

The ceremony itself was a snooze fest for the most part. I was over it after about a half hour. Yes yes, we're great, blah blah blah. Gene Block, you weren't that funny, sorry bro. Your long ass speech was the only thing that stood in the way of me and a delicious Big Wave Cheeseburger from Islands.

Me and the bro

7:30 PM

In the evening I arrived at the University Catholic Center for the baccalaureate mass, a mass and service recognizing all the graduating Catholics from the class of 2018. Sr. Jennette was greeting everyone by the door, and I gave her a hug while introducing her to my Mom and cousin Paula who were right behind me. As I made my way through the lobby and up the staircase to where the chapel was located, Father Jaime greeted me at the top.

"Father Jaime!" I said, shaking his hand.

"Justin! Good to see you—congratulations! I just met your Dad and brother, actually!" he said.

"Ah, is that so?" I replied, surprised that they had gotten there before me.

"Yes—right over there!" Father Jaime said, gesturing toward the third row of the chapel where my Dad and brother waved to me. Haha.

Shortly before 8:00, the grads, dressed in full graduation regalia, began to walk out of the building and around through the back entrance to the chapel. While going up the back staircase I saw all of my favorite clergy: Father Mark, Father Jaime, Deacon Tom, and Father Tran. There was one particular person I was surprised and overjoyed to see. 

Father Peter! 

Father Peter is one of my favorite priests ever. Just legendary. He retired after my first year at UCLA, and I was sad to see him go. I hadn't seen him in just about a year. 

We (the graduates) all sat together on the east side of the chapel, while our families occupied the west side as well as the balcony. This is a modest sized church, and it was packed. 

The mass began, primarily presided by Father Mark, and the grace of God descended upon all of us. It's a feeling I just can't explain. I wouldn't even be here if it weren't for the gifts that God has given me, and I felt that this was the perfect celebration of that. I was here with my family as well as God's chosen people—the perfect place at the perfect time. I know that often in life things don't feel like they're meant to be, but in that moment I truly felt that I've made the right decisions in my life, and being here was a sign that I'm on the right path and that the Lord is with me, just like He always has been. 

It was one of the most holy and most engaging masses that I've ever been a part of. The Word of God had never been clearer to me, as delivered by the holy men He has blessed our little community with. Following the Liturgy of the Word as well as an amazing homily given by Father Peter, two students went up to the podium as well to share a few words. They were both heartfelt and inspiring. 

One of the students who gave a speech was my friend Regina, and her words and story moved me nearly to the point of tears. I saw a couple ladies in the first pew on the other side who could not resist the urge to cry. I wanted to run up there and give her a big hug cause she's a sweet girl and has been through so much. She's such a kind soul and from very early on I knew she was a special person.  

The mass clocked in at nearly two hours, but it didn't feel that way at all. As Father Mark said his final words, he imparted on us the strength and knowledge of God and we were sent off into the world. 

The mass was followed by a reception in the community room where there was food and drink for all the grads and families. I had some cake, chilled with my family, said my goodbyes, and off we were. I left there with a true sense of accomplishment—this was by far my favorite ceremony. This is what graduation is all about. 

Me and the great Father Peter 

Me and my friend Regina

June 16th, 2018 - 10:30 AM 

This was it: the third and final graduation ceremony. This one would be for my major - Anthropology, which I'm convinced no one was actually proud to be a part of. (Just kidding - I love bagging on Anthro majors). 

The best part about Anthro is that I got to learn from the brightest, most talented professors in the entire country. I'll always remember Professor Cartmill, Richard Lesure, Joe Manson, Professor Barrett, Sarah Heller, and the legend himself: Robert Lemelson. No matter how many jokes I crack, I'm lucky to be here. 

What I did notice while I entered Dickson Court where the outdoor ceremony would be held is that there were a lot of cuties there. Well guess what, I got some words for you all: where the fuck were y'all when I was in class? Damn. Ya boy had (almost) no bad ones in any of his anthro classes. Yup! Couldn't catch a break in that department. 

Anyway, the grads mingled before we had to line up and sit down. I met up with my friend Tiffany, whom I've had the chance to bond with pretty closely over the two classes we had together. She's your typical basic white girl, but with a great sense of humor and one of the coolest girls I know. Her and I combined with our other friends and made a big group to move forward in the line and into our chairs on the right side of the field. 

Left to right: myself, Tiffany, Afgan, Christy, and Luis 

There were a few keynote speeches by some professors in the department, most of whom I'd never had. Erica Cartmill gave a speech though and I was proud to have been one of her students. For the most part they tried to make Anthro look good and make it seem applicable to real life, which it is, but tell that to all the future employers who are gonna turn us down in favor of some dumbass with an engineering degree (no offense Alex).

The keynote speaker was a celebrity actor named Dax Shepard, who is perhaps most famous for being married to the wonderful Kristen Bell. He's a UCLA grad from the class of 2000 and did so with honors.

His speech was quite funny, and full of backhanded complements to Anthro majors which I got a kick out of. Dax is funny and sarcastic but in the most genuine way (he is a professional, after all). By the end of his speech he fully endeared himself to us all with his words, with the main takeaway being that we should never compare ourselves to others, and that we should resist the evolutionary tendencies of unnecessary competition with each other in favor of mutual cooperation. Life is better that way.

After they called all our names and we crossed the stage, it was over. That's it.

I have many more stories to share about my time at UCLA that are not written here. Whether or not I'll get the chance to tell them soon is a mystery. Regardless, I'll always cherish those two years of my life.

Bye UCLA - thanks for making my dream come true. 

I'll miss you. 

____________________

IV.  Home 

On June 27th, I departed for a road trip to my (adopted) hometown of Goodyear, Arizona, along with my two friends Libni and Ani. I was kinda worried that they would get bored eventually, cause Goodyear is boring as fuck—unless you have family and friends there, which I do and they don't (yet).

Thankfully my Mom and I had a few fun things planned, which included a day-trip up to Jerome, a beautiful ghost town on top of a mountain with amazing food, wine, and sights. It's also the home of one of my favorite singers ever, the one and only Maynard James Keenan, who has single-handedly reinvigorated their economy with businesses that encompass food, wine, and clothing.

Later, on the 30th, my Mom would be throwing a graduation party for me at home, and all my close friends and family would be there.

I also approached my visit with some trepidation. What if I enjoy myself too much and I don't wanna come back? It's certainly possible. Sorry Libni and Ani, you might have to hitchhike home!

We arrived in the evening on Wednesday. My Mom was there to greet us, and helped us get settled in.  On the drive there I had been in contact with my friends Abe and Jalen and I invited them over to hang out at around 8.

When I answered the door I almost couldn't believe it was them. It had been so long, and just seeing them again made me feel just a bit of remorse that I'd let that much time pass.

After some catching up, the 5 of us hopped in Jalen's PT Cruiser and away we went to Islands—my favorite restaurant.

Over Islands, we talked, laughed, exchanged stories of how we all met. My personal antics and tomfoolery which I've become known for amongst my friends was certainly an interesting discussion. It warmed my heart to see Libni and Ani getting along with my old friends as if they've known them just as long as I have. It was just some good times, and I think that's what life's all about.

The next day, the girls and I hit up the town. And by "town," I mean Westgate. Cause it was too damn hot to do anything else. Midway through, the heat started to get to me.Oh for fuck's sake, this is no joke.I definitely was not drinking enough water. Despite the heat, we hit up Target and Walmart to purchase ingredients to make alcoholic beverages which we never made.

We came home and recharged for a bit before hitting up one of my favorite spots, Barro's Pizza.

As I walked through the doors I remembered that years ago, my friend Aaron Hernandez and I were supposed to have a double date here with Isabel and Xochil Villa, two of the hottest girls from high school. For some reason that never materialized. It's been 5 years and they both have boyfriends now, so I don't think our double date is happening anytime soon.

Anyway, Ani, Libni and I enjoyed ourselves, bonded with each other, and before we knew it a couple hours had gone by.

When we got home I was beat as fuck. The sun was getting to me. We watched the movie Gotti with my Mom but I struggled to stay awake.

On Friday, we hit up Jerome with my Mom. The sights and food were just as good as I remember them. Being so high up gives you a different perspective of the world—with civilization so far away, I contemplated the many things that have changed within myself since I've last been here. In that moment I realized that there are things bigger than the spoils of capitalism. I don't know what they are, but still, man. I guess I'm not mature enough to realize. Hey, I'm only 23, gimme a break.

I think someone (or something) is watching my friend Ani...

On Saturday we prepped for the party. Food, tables, chairs. decor. entertainment, the whole nine. Around 4:00 I brought out my new L6 Stagesource PA system to the backyard to do a little soundcheck for my performance. I also had brought along my Ibanez acoustic (which I inherited from my Grandpa), as well as my brand new Shure SM58 microphone. Stylin' my G! 

After soundcheck, Ani asked me: "Do you know any Linkin Park songs?"

Do I!!!?! 

I started playing a few songs I knew. Then she started singing into the mic—and she sounded good! Very quickly it turned into an acoustic LP jam session, and it was beautiful. We ran through Numb, Breaking the Habit, In Between, Leave Out All the Rest, among others. Next thing we knew an hour had passed, and I'm pretty sure Ani suffered 3rd degree burns from standing outside in the sun with her bare feet. If she did, she took it like a champ.

Soon it was time for the party. Of course I wore my triple B shirt, cause I'm a Big Baller.

Me and my cousin Dane A bunch of my Mom's friends showed up, then one by one mine did too, along with my cousins and uncles, my grandparents, and even one of my aunts! It was a sight to see.

That night I headlined my own concert, which was opened by my Grandpa, who is a singer. I followed with a half-hour set which included the songs Bella, Disconnect, Destiny, Faded Dream, and Faith.I also debuted a brand new song calledValley of the Sun and ended the show with my songWilson.

It was certainly a night to remember. That being said, I hardly remember it. After my performance I started pounding those drinks. All I remember is laughing with my friends and family, and then doing a re-enactment of Grease and High School Musical with Arek and Jalen.

The next morning, it was time to go home. I'll be honest, I was sad to leave my Mom and the city I grew up in.

___________

I got a few questions about my future. Am I moving back to AZ?

__________

I see the Arizona lifestyle on social media - families decorate their house for July 4th, they lounge by the pool, maybe they have a few friends over, they laugh and smile then go back to their lives and 9-5 jobs the next day, in eager anticipation of the next weekend when they can do it all again.

And again, and again, and again. And the years will pass like trains.

But are they happy? I don't know. Probably.

_____

Living is hard. Living in LA is even harder. And I do still wonder if it will all be worth it.

_____

Returning to work has been an adjustment. It takes a little while to get back into the swing of things—8 hours a day. But my short-term goal is to finally leave Costco sooner rather than later. I feel like if I don't leave now, I never will.

The Front End has been filled with an increasing amount of new hires lately. One day I was talking to my friend and co-worker, Raissa.

"Maybe you'll find the love of your life in this batch," she said with a smirk, gesturing toward the Front End.

"Ha-Ha!" I answered sarcastically. "Maybe I will!"

Some time later, I crossed paths with Bella (yes, that Bella). She actually said words to me for the first time in God knows how long.

"I haven't seen you in a while," she said to me.

I paused for a moment, surprised that she'd said something. We'd been ignoring each other forever.

"Same to you," I said nonchalantly.

"How are you?" she asked.

"I've been okay. You?"

"Same," she replied.

She's younger than me, but looks older than me now.

Later, around 9:00, as I walked over to Majors, cutting through the center to go close my department, I heard a nice voice behind me.

"Hi Justinnnnn"

I turned around. It was Miranda—the most perfect chick in the warehouse. She's got it all, I tell you. Ask anyone. I shit you not.

Swiftly fixing my dumbass posture, I quickly and casually replied "Oh heyyyyy what's up, how are you?"

"Long time no see," she said.

"Yeah, I took a long vacation, haha."

"Must be nice," she said with that sweet smile of hers.

Alright, something fishy's going on here. Ehhhhhhh... I gotta get out of here, man.

_______

I do like my job, mostly. It helps me pay the bills—which is why I kept working there while I was in school, I don't think I could pay for school without it. I'm graduating with no debt and enough cap space to keep myself flexible. But I know that I have to move on soon. Because it's time.

_______

Sometimes I feel like my job is the only thing keeping me in LA. That's not true of course, it's just what it feels like. My trip home made me realize just how much I miss it. I miss my mom, and my grandparents, and my friends. I did give some thought to returning home.

But I can't do it.

I'm not finished here.

Not by a long shot.

__________________

IV. THIS IS MY CITY 

In my last quarter at UCLA, I met a girl who was sharp, witty, and opinionated, whom I took a fascination with. It also didn't hurt that she looked angelic. Such beauty celestialin nature—just out of this world, man. Seriously.

Anyway, I was lucky enough to work with her on a class project for a couple weeks, during which time her and I got to know each other a bit better. She's from a small town, and so am I (kind of), and that was a point in which we were able to bond a bit. We were both also transfers from junior college, as well as seniors on the verge of graduation.

She played her cards very close to the chest (as do most girls whose attractiveness/intelligence are way off the charts), and mostly kept to herself during class time. Eventually she started to open up just a little bit.

One day, as we were walking to class together, I noticed during our conversations that she was completely unaffected by the allure of Los Angeles.

"UCLA wasn't really what I thought it was going to be," she admitted to me.

"Really?" I asked incredulously.

She went on to list her qualms with the academic and social life at our university, and from what I remember they were all extremely valid.

"What about you?" she asked me.

Still in disbelief, I replied: "I don't know... this was always my dream school. I figure it doesn't get any better than this."

"Growing up, I didn't really think about where I would go to college," she said. "I didn't have a 'dream school' or anything."

"What are your plans after graduation?" I asked her.

"Go back home," she said casually.

"Forever?"

"Yeah," she said with a laugh.

That conversation stayed with me for a bit. How could someone not be seduced by LA? We have mountains, valleys, beaches, deserts, you name it! Land of opportunity! The best jobs! Glitz and glamour! The best schools! The best weather! Hollywood! The music biz! Lakers! Dodgers! Rams! Jack Nicholson!

But I know that there's no place like home. I know what it's like to leave all your friends and family behind in order to go to school somewhere. I know what it's like to be homesick.

I know that LA's not for everyone. I know that some people aren't so obsessed with getting to the top as I am. For better or worse, I've allowed myself to be consumed by the culture of this city. A culture where the winners are worshipped and the losers are damned to wander aimlessly in self-delusion. It's a dangerous game.

But what people don't know is that this was in me all along. As a little kid in elementary school, I've wanted this. Through middle and high school I dreamed of being the person I'm now becoming.

I'm meant to be a performer. I'm meant to be a musician. I'm meant to write words and music. I'm lucky enough to have realized my calling in life pretty early on.

I'm a competitor. I always try to win. In fact, sometimes I expect to win. That was instilled in me from a very young age. I remember when I was in middle school, and my basketball team went undefeated in the regular season. Unstoppable. We were pretty much a shoe-in for the championship.

Then, in the first game of the playoffs, we lost. Single elimination. We were done.

Most of my other teammates cried. That was the appropriate response. Me? I wanted to murder someone. Imagine being so close, but yet so far from winning it all. I felt robbed. This was supposed to be mine! Who knew playing sports as a kid could be so dangerous for a developing mind?

I know I'm destined for something bigger. I graduated from my dream school—but I'm not done. Not even fucking close. I want it all.

In a recent press conference, a reporter asked Magic Johnson, President of Basketball Operations for the Los Angeles Lakers, if he feels any "pressure" to land big-time free agents this summer. His response instantly became one of my favorite quotes of all time:

"You know how many Finals I’ve been in? So you think I'm worried about this? I played against Larry Bird in the Finals. I played in nine Finals."

That's the LA attitude. The championship mentality. It isn't just words—it's a lifestyle. I was born here, it's in my DNA.

____________

I wouldn't even play the game if I didn't think I could win. Growing up, I knew I was different from everyone else. I don't see things the same way as them. I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to realize that that was a good thing. I have a lot to say. I have something valuable to contribute.

I'm here to fulfill a destiny. For better or for worse. But with God's guidance I know there's a good chance I'll succeed.

____________

My friends, whoever reads this, thank you. You guys are real ones. And I wanna make you proud.

You'll hear some new music from me soon. It's amazing and I can't wait for you all to hear it. However, these things take time, so there may be a point where you don't hear from me for a while. But just know that I'm always working to accomplish my goals in some way, shape, or form, every single day.

I may have graduated from UCLA, but I'm not going anywhere. I've been an LA guy since day one. I'm from here, baby! I'll never forget where I came from. I know how lucky I am to be from LA, cause there's nothing else like it. I'm from the San Fernando Valley, a place which holds my heart and my history.

I'm in three bands, for fuck's sake. I got family out here too. I have good friends I've met along this adventure. And let's not forget the G-Squad!!

This is my home. This is my life. 

THIS IS MY CITY.